Are trust and faith synonymous? Could I have titled this post “Faith in Faith”? Perhaps I could have titled it “Trusting in Trust”. I don’t really know. Maybe I should research that…
This was a difficult weekend. My anxiety decided to shake things up and it caused my mood to drop. I struggled throughout the weekend to stay present and not let my mind go places that don’t exist. What doesn’t exist? People in line at the store being mad if my card is declined and having to wait for me, the person who might cut me off in traffic, a friend who will most certainly stop being my friend if I take 5 minutes to drive my step daughter to Family Dollar to get a can of soup before I come over. These are the irrational thoughts I have. They are meaningless, they think about a place that only exists in that moment of anxiety.
Overall, I am pleased with the way I came out of the weekend. Yesterday morning (Monday) I woke up and decided it would be a great day and it was. I reminded myself to stay positive and I did, I told myself to stay patient with the kids and I was. This morning, however, I was shaken.
You see my wife has just started school. She wants to become a nurse. The admissions process has been rocky to say the least. The financial aid office has been sent her high school and college transcripts multiple times but claim they don’t get them. We hand delivered a copy of her high school transcripts on Friday and thought the college transcripts were all set. My wife has been waiting for all of this to be wrapped up so she could get her books with her grant money. Today, we were sure everything would be set up and she could get her books. She called the book store first thing at 7:45am and was told that they didn’t have her book store account set up yet.
I got home from taking my kids to the bus stop. A task that I love. My girls and I have fun with it and it was a beautiful day. Today when I got home my wife was crying. They didn’t have her book store account and the website said there was a hold because they didn’t have her college transcripts. After nearly two months of having these transcripts sent she had had enough. I, of course go in to over protection mode and am ready to strangle the person who made my wife cry.
I told my wife that I was going to drive her up there and we were going to get this straightened out. While she was getting ready I sat down and started to think. I had faith that this was going to be all settled today. They told us Friday they were just waiting for the transcript to be processed, they told us Saturday that the system would be updated that night at midnight and there was no reason the bookstore account wouldn’t be ready. I thought to myself that maybe, despite faith that everything will be ok, faith isn’t a factor.
While on the way to the school I was able to calm myself down. I told my wife not to worry and that everything will be ok. I told her we would figure out a way to get her books or borrow them from a friend maybe… Where there is a will there is a way, or so they tell me.
Once we got in front of someone he was able to see that a book store account had been set up at 8 AM, 15 minutes after my wife called. We called down to the book store and they confirmed that they were now showing an account for her. Incredible, I thought to myself. I also felt as if I’d let myself down by not trusting in my faith that everything would be ok. I had prayed about it, we had been assured and reassured that it would all be set up but I lost sight of what I believed would happen and let my anxiety take over.
I learned a valuable lesson today. Faith is real and anxiety is fake and irrational. Anxiety will lie to you, I fear being afraid when I should be positive and have faith that things will be ok. My wife has her books, she’s getting caught up on her homework for tomorrow and the rest of the day will be nice and routine. Well, until I get to work but I love my job.
Be well, be positive.